“What mental health needs are more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.” – Glenn Close.

A very transparent moment – My experience dealing with mental health .

“What mental health needs are more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.” – Glenn Close.

I came across this quote some years back. Before then, I had always felt motivational quotes are cliché and do not necessarily mean much. But for the first time in my life, I read a quote so true that I felt it in me. For years, I have had to battle with different degrees of depression. Although I never put myself forward to authenticate my fears, I had always known deep inside me that I had issues with depression. I was this person that would sit in my head, several hours each day, making things up, communicating with “unseen figures” and battling with a barrage of flashbacks that felt like some sort of cars hitting one another.

However, after years of lying to myself about my health and mental condition, I finally came face-to-face with my fears in 2020 when I started hearing voices in my head telling me that I’m not loved, I won’t ever be anything in life , I’m just a nobody and those thoughts of being unwanted, etc. Then I started having dreams of me shooting myself in the head periodically and flashbacks of my past also every other night. I was officially diagnosed with major depression, PTSD, and social anxiety. It was at this point that I understood the extent to which masking emotions had resulted in ruining my health.

Getting medications to treat my diagnosis right away was what the average person would do, and rightly so, did. However, I started taking my anti-depressant with alcohol (tbh I wanted to be out so bad)But as time went by, I realized that my condition wasn’t necessarily down to medical terms. I had disciplined myself to religiously obey the doctor’s prescriptions, but rather than get better, my health got worse. Fast forward to January 2021, my health situation enter down the drain, and suicide thoughts came all over me. I had days when I felt like ending it all and even got a knife a couple of times to get the deed done. But for some reason, perhaps spiritual, I am still alive battling hard against the demon of depression and striving to live according to God’s purpose for my life.

My depressive state didn’t begin yesterday or a year ago. As a kid, I had always felt a strange relationship with death. Given a series of traumatic experiences that characterized my childhood, I would often think that death was the best option for me. Besides being molested regularly from age four to eleven, I had a turbulent relationship with my dad. He was a great provider in terms of going to whatever length in providing finances to satisfy the needs of his family, but I never felt his presence beyond that.

I craved for real conversations and guidance about my traumatic experiences and unhealthy thoughts, but he was never there to provide the mental and physical support I wanted. It was basically as living in a single-parent house with both parents; yet the media and I raised me. I started acting out, as we say I was “doing the most” being an extremely bad kid. I was so angry at the world that I would destroy everything around me.

Rather than having the necessary conversations with me and strolling me the traditional way, mother felt the need to wait until I slept, and would come into my room about midnight when she was sure that I was asleep with two lit candles and distribute the burning candle wax all over my body. To her, it was both a form of punishment. I got worse rather, and this ended up causing my parents to leave me in the hands of God. They thought I was ‘doomed’ and that only God could save me. I would often laugh each time they told me my problem was not trusting or believing in God at the time. I felt I had encountered the earthly representation of God through the way I had been treated by the people closest to me. So, I didn’t feel the need to dig deeper in search of a “divine GOD.” Nonetheless, I looked forward each day to a strengthened relationship with my parent. Sadly, it never came. After 11 years of consistently pleading to be cared for, I took the bold step of isolation. I only exchanged greetings with them and quit asking questions and simply worked on getting my high school diploma . After several traumatic experiences with my dad, I isolated myself completely from him until the day he died four months after my 17th birthday. He died without us making peace. This got my siblings even more infuriated and prompted them to call me different names, including weak, toxic, and a murderer. Ironically, I only wanted to live a normal life – A NORMAL LIFE outside the toxic life I grew up in. I would often reply to them by saying maybe if I had an example to follow or was taught how to be one I would be.

This search for a normal life culminated in me lying to myself that I was demonic and that God never liked me. I stopped going to church, saying my prayers, and even reading my bible; tbh I turned into an atheist for a season. I took solace in reckless smoking and drinking morning, noon and night, YOLO became my daily mantra, and I felt I needed to have a taste of the “sweet life” before death finally wins over my soul. That too was short-lived while it was all good when I was high and intoxicated but those feelings didn’t last forever.

However, I have a friend that wasn’t looking at my failures but have been reminding me of my gifts and talents and gave me an ultimatum; after that I reconnected with God, came out of my isolation, and today I’m in therapy three times a week working on myself. I just wanted to use my platform to encourage anyone battling and struggling with what I’m struggling with, find a great circle of friends who can hold you accountable, find a mentor, a great therapist, and get to the root of your problems.

Many would ask why I decided to share this now, clickbait or for attention; no I decided to share this because this is happening in a lot of Caribbean households that caused a lot of young men to turn to a life of crime. My advice to anyone reading this going through similar situations, forgive and get the help you deserve. you deserve to be happy. #JesusOverEverything

Author of the Pursuit Of Success – Order Your Copy
Man After Gods own heart.
Jeremiah 29:11
Son Of God